Not by My Might...

Days like these, I am not particularly fond of them... They bring a lot of questions. Perhaps, some answers as well. I feel guilty for not being able  to do as I should. There is much I need to do, as far as housework and things go. My body is pretty weak today, and I know I need to be diligent. If I am not diligent, I could end up collapsing and hurting worse than before. So, it is trying to balance rest while trying to get my apartment inspection ready.

In this current episode of severe weakness, I'd have to say it's at the climax phase. It is worse than it was before today. It has been going on since Monday afternoon. Was the shopping trip worth it? No, not particularly... especially considering we ended up leaving our shopping cart and walking away. Was my MRI results "worth" it? No, not really...especially considering it supposedly showed nothing according to the radiologist's report.

I think it is easy to look at today and how I feel, and wonder: "What am I doing wrong?". My verse today can be found in Zechariah 4:6 where Yahweh (the One true God) tells Zerubbabel that it isn't by his own might or power, but only through God's strength. Don't quote me on it, but it seems that it had to do with Zerubbabel and building the temple. He would begin the work and complete it, but it is only by God's strength that it would be done. In the passage, the angel of the Lord regards it as a mountain that will be viewed as a plain.

The great mountains in our lives can be overcame as we seek to rely on God and not our own strength. No task is too great for God! He says and does what He says. His promises are true and never fade away. Let's listen again to what the Lord tells Zerubbabel: "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts."

What is the question I am asking myself today that is a bad question to ask: "Am I not believing enough? Am I not relying on God enough?". This thorn... this illness...*whatever* it is... It's hard. It's demanding. It alters my perspective. Instead of focusing on continuing to rely on His strength, I sit wondering about me and myself and why things aren't changing. I am looking for the wrong thing. Instead of seeing how He is working, I see the remaining struggle. I see the rubble instead of how much has been moved in a sense, I guess. My focus has got to be on relying on God and His strength. I need to be more fixed on my relationship with Christ!

I had another train of thought that was lost momentarily...Few seconds sifted by, but I remember now. I remember what it is. Right now, I am going through a study on Gideon. Despite all the depression, discouragement, weakness, stresses, and all that weighs me down, I have been able to continue in the study. I have been able to stay on track with the study. More important than "staying on track" is that I have been allowing God to change my heart and work in my life as I sit there during my time of just being with Him.

Gideon :sigh:. Love Gideon. He went through his days, struggling. The Midianites were stealing from the people of Israel. They were engaged in a battle of their own. Though Gideon was in a weak clan and small, God still chose to use him and rescue His people.. Judges 6:12 echoes in my mind: "God will be with you, mighty warrior." Gideon didn't feel like a warrior or able to conquer all that he faced, but neither do most of us...Question remains: "Are we relying on Him and His strength?"

Concept of Rest

I wanted to write something today, just to post. I haven't been able to get on here to post since Christmas day. Kinda saddening. I want to write. My thoughts are just all jumbled up. I have been feeling pretty defeated this week in a sense. It is definitely attacking my emotions and how I am doing overall. It is hard. To be chronically ill, (seems to be a popular topic on my blog) it is such a struggle.

On Saturday, I began doing a Bible study with some friends. Such a struggle physically though. It ends up being a really long day. I know what I want to be able to go on Saturdays though. The million dollar question: How do I do it without spending the week recovering from it? Nothing seems to come easy, especially when fatigue and pain come into play. For the past two weeks, I have been struggling more so with a loss of energy. It is one thing to try to learn what rest is and practice it when it is by choice. It is a different story when it is a mandatory thing for one's body.

I want to come to a place of Matthew 11:28, which reminds me of the need to rest.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

I want that relief and refreshment. I want physically, but so much spiritually. I want to receive another "mountain-top" experience with my Lord, where I am feeling much closer to Him! Rest is a key part of it.

The practice of rest doesn't come easy to many. We often spend our time and attention overthinking it--or planning out how to rest instead of actually resting. I am on my own self-discovery of what it means to rest, how is it done, and beginning the process of actually resting. Resting: it is a hard concept for many. We simply do not know how to rest or where to begin.

2012...

The year is almost over. Toward the end of 2011, my life began to dramatically change. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My body totally went the wrong way. Instead of getting stronger, I got weaker. I felt weaker. Things that shouldn't exhaust me--began to exhaust me. Coming from that place at the end of last year, I don't think I could of predicted how this year would go. I didn't think much about the new year or what it would bring. As 2013 approaches, I don't think much about the new year and what it may potentially bring. I will know what it brings when it gets here.

Each new year brings blessings and challenges. The only way to prepare is to review. For me, 2012 was quite the interesting year. I enrolled in taking some masters classes. I dropped out of school by May. In May, I was also diagnosed with Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia, which is a horrible illness that nobody should ever face. Thankfully, I found substantial help from supplements/vitamins to help me cope with it where the pain isn't that bad. It keeps me from getting zapped alot of times. My greatest struggle is Fibromyalgia. It seems to have definitely progressed as I look back over the past year. How it will progress next? Only time will tell. This past year, it has impacted alot. For the past 6 months or so, I couldn't go into service at church due to extreme sensitivity to sound. The sensitivity to sound has been life-altering. It is so hard to plan things out when I can't handle loud sounds. The dishwasher, at times, is too loud. There have been some small chemical sensitivities. In dealing with Fibromyalgia, my biggest issue is teaching myself to rest. I still need to learn to pace myself, and find ways to balance tasks to be done and getting the rest I need.

Part of the learning process is taking careful notice of what I am doing and trying to see how it affects me.

Another one of the greatest challenges I have faced is my diet. Before 2012, I only know I was lactose intolerant (even though I didn't eat like it). What happened in that area this year?

Gluten
I react very badly when I have gluten, so my diet has gone from eating whatever I want to carefully choosing and planning ahead to avoid gluten. The consequences for having gluten can be long lasting, so it isn't worth the momentary pleasure it can give my taste buds. It is better to stay away, even when it is hard to do.

Peanuts
I figured out Peanut Butter causes alot of issues. IE) my throat feeling like it is closing up. Then, there is the whole not being able to breathe thing. Did I mention Peanut Butter is an all-time favorite? I haven't found a replacement as of yet. Maybe, it will come in time.

Fructose/Sugar
On top of everything else, I have to seriously limit myself to no fructose and limit the amount of sugar I consume. I am still trying to figure this one out too. I have noticed bad stomachaches from sugar/fructose.It is a matter of learning to balance how much sugar I have. Still learning that one..

I obviously have alot of learning to do concerning what I can and cannot eat. They are running a food allergy blood panel to see if it shows anything, then I can experiment with those specific foods. I think avoiding gluten is easier than all this is. It's alot to limit sugar, no peanut butter whatsoever, and limit dairy products. And that is on top of no gluten. I actually do still eat. Crazy thing is I am getting used to the food thing. No fructose/low sugar and no peanuts has only been going on since Thanksgiving, so that area is very new for me. The Lord is sovereign over it all! He matters more than food. He is teaching me that there is more to life than food. I need to eat to live, not live to eat.

He came to give me life, but not an ordinary life--He came to give me an abundant life!

Despite everything, I have been able to stay focused on my Lord and know He is still there. He doesn't leave me no matter what happens. He has definitely used all of these things to strengthen me in Him. He has helped me to overcome all these things, and still be able to stand. The greatest thing is He continues to help me to get up in the mornings, and find a way to see this life is worth living--He continues to show me I have purpose. Even on the days when Fibro is really making life a struggle.... I still have many days when i just want to force myself to do things I use to. Mentally, I just haven't adjusting to a life of chronic illness. In other ways, I have definitely made changes.He continues to show me all I need..

Alot of things are different. Alot more things will be difference as this year turns into the next...All that matters is keeping my eyes focused on Him. He is my source of strength!

Hebrews 12:2-3

² Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

Light of the World (Part 2)

Matthew 5:14-16

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

How are we able to share our testimony and shine for Him if we are hiding?

This becomes the issue. It isn't so much about the mask, but the reason behind the mask. We have to know the reason before we can begin to take off our mask or even change the position of the mask. As we begin to think of those reasons, we really need to take time to sit before the Lord and talk with Him about these things. He will begin to show us how to approach these things that make us want to put on the mask. It is at this point of being real with ourselves and others that we can really shine for the Lord.

There are different things that will have influenced us hiding ourselves and situations.In order to begin to let our light shine, we have to discover why we are in hiding. Is it fear? Uncomfortable to be real at times? Is it to escape judgment? Why are we in hiding in the first place?

Comfort should not stop how we allow God to use us. If it was about comfort, I wouldn't have mentioned my own mask in the last blog. I'd share about the mask of someone else and how they have chosen to hide themselves from the world, which limited their testimony. It is definitely not about comfort.

Will others judge us when we openly share our testimony? Yes at times, they will. Some will be judged more than others. I am reminded of what Matthew 5:10 says: "God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." (NLT) Doing right will bring persecution. Doing right also brings something much stronger:: God's blessings! God will continue to bless us as we take off the mask and let our light shine! Alot of times, we stop speaking when others come after us or speak ill about our vulnerability to share. We need to keep speaking, even when it's difficult. God will keep on strengthening us and giving us the words to speak. He will also show us how to be a light in how we live.

If a mask is put on to protect ourselves from fear, we owe it to ourselves and God to see what we fear? Fear does not come from the Lord, but peace does. Often times if I am fearful to do something, I know that means I need to do it. Fear may be something to derail us when others need to hear our story and know how God is working in our lives.

Also some put on their mask, because it is easier than being their true selves, It may be "easier", because we will blend in. We will be conforming to the world, but we are not to conform. We need to be a bright light shining for the world to see. We need to stand out and offer ourselves fully to God--even when it means sharing our lives when it is anything but easy. Some may think it is easier, because there is less judgment or the fear won the fight. It may be easier, because we give into the urge to not show our testimony and how God is working in our lives. It is easier to give into feeling rather than the truth that we need to be real and let our light brightly shine. A lot of us want to hide who we are. Others may not understand. Others may leave us. Others may judge us. Others may... do lots of things. We owe it to ourselves to be real, and show our true selves. We owe to God to brightly shine for Him--showing His great love through how He has worked in our lives.

Many things can keep us in the place of hiding ourselves, but we have been given a testimony. Our testimony is nothing to hide. God is working in our lives, which is worthy of sharing for all to hear. It doesn't matter what particular way He is working. We need to proclaim it that God is working in our lives! How we could open up and be real looks different for each person. This is why it is so important to take time to go before Him and seek the reasons for the masks and hiding. Take time in prayer to talk with God about the reasons of the mask. Talk to Him about the struggle you feel. He is ready and able to help and strengthen you!

We need to take the time and see how God is using us to be a light to the world? We need to be willing to be real and share with others how God is working in our lives. We need to be willing to share who we really are without fear or anything else preventing us from speaking.

Light to the World (Part 1)

Matthew 5:14-16

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

So often we hide.
We hide our true selves.
We hide our circumstances.
We hide how we feel.
Sometimes, we hide due to fears.
Other times, we hide to escape judgment.
Sometimes people tell us to hide in some ways, by their words about what we may share.
Past situations can make us want to hide.

Whatever our reasons may be, we often hide. We could all fess up to hiding in one way or another, when we could have been a brighter light to the world around us. The person hiding could be the person who appears to have it all together at church on Sunday morning, and their life is actually a mess. It could be our neighbor, friend, or someone else. Nobody is exempted from the possibly of hiding themselves (or parts of themselves) even the ones who seem to have it all together. It is something that probably everyone has faced at one time or another. It is easy to put on a mask of who we want (or need) to be to others, and for a while--it works. However who we are will still remain, and our testimonies will not shine as bright. We are in costume and not letting ourselves be used by God to help others. In 2 Corinthians, we are told that we are to comfort others in difficult times just as we have been comforted. We have to be willing to share, in order to experience comfort from our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. We have to share to give comfort.

I wrote about hiding, because God is showing me today that it can make our light less bright to the world. We may think "it doesn't matter or even affect my relationship with Christ", but God wants to use our whole testimony without us hiding parts of it, by not sharing how He is working in us. Hiding parts of us or our lives affects our walk with Christ. It affects our relationships. It affects us as individuals. We can lie and say we are okay, but it affects us still the same whether we admit it or not. I know all too well how easy it is to stay in hiding and ignore the brighter testimony I could be sharing.

Let me explain a little bit about my own mask: I have two noticible ones that I can see right on the spot. The first is how God is freeing me from the sin of gluttony. Gluttony is a sin that isn't talked about much in the Church. It is a vital testimony that is worthy of sharing, even if others do not see it as such. 

The second one is this: I have two facebook accounts to "hide" part of my life on one facebook. In some ways, it is to hide parts of my life. IE) Find another outlet to help me as I deal with chronic illnesses. The second facebook has really become an outlet. However, I risk putting on a mask by not talking about those things out of fear, anxiety, and judgments. In a lot of ways, it is easier and safer to talk about certain things like this on one particular account. It is this process that is showing me I need to find a way to balance my life. How can I be real on both? So in a sense, my problem is learning how to let that brighter light shine wherever I go. It is a matter of balancing who I am and how I approach the world. It doesn't matter how we "cope" with our mask. A mask is still a mask. Our light could be brighter. In some ways, having two accounts has freed me in sharing my testimony in a brighter way for one, but has dimmed it for the other. I am learning how to blend those two aspects of my life into one. It is a matter of giving everything over to the Lord and allowing my light to shine brighter as I come out of hiding. The question to be asked is: What hinders us from shining brighter for Christ?

We need to evaluate ourselves and see how we are living and sharing our testimony. Are we hiding our light? Is God doing something in our lives that we are unwilling to boldly share? Sharing our testimony allows God to use us to teach, encourage, and minister to others. He also teaches and ministers to us. It is when we know the reason of why we hide that we can begin to open ourselves up to begin to be a brighter light to the world with our whole testimony showing.

Part two::How are we able to share our testimony and shine for Him if we are hiding?

Marriage with God

I am writing this as someone who is single, but longing to be reminded of what God designed marriage to be. Also I am yearning to write this in the most respectful way, while emphasizing what many face especially if they are in chronic pain. 

Specifically for individuals with Fibromyalgia, they face an 80% chance of getting a divorce. This could happen for a variety of reasons. Individuals with some kind of chronic illness have a divorce rate of 70-80%. This is ridiculously high, even amist the crazy sometimes hopeless storm of pain, poverty, and frustrations--Marriages are falling apart, which makes things only worse in the lives of these individuals.

I have been thinking about this topic a lot in the past few days. I read many heart breaking stories about people's marriages. Sometimes, things get too hard. And other times, situations or illnesses are given to one person and another doesn't really understand what is going on. I have been privileged enough to be able to pray for these friends and people I meet online, but also to count my blessings on my own single status. I wanted to blog a bit about what God designed marriage to be. It hasn't ever been something to be taken lightly, yet so often when something bad happens to one---the other says "i'm out of here." This is NOT the way God intended marriages or relationships. If it was the way He intended relationships, we would not know His freedom, grace, or salvation!

So, what about the divorce rates if you aren't part of the 50% chronically ill population? What about you? 50% of all marriages fail. It doesn't seem to matter if the couple is part of the Church or not. Many things attribute to it. I am not going to get into the specifics any more than I already have, but I do want to talk specifically about how God intended marriage and the example of our marriage to Him!

What was marriage meant to be like?

How did God design it?

What are our responsibilities?

Does our marriage with God belong in this equation? Most definitely, it does!

We have a spiritual marriage that can give us insight on how to handle our physical marriages. Isaiah 54:5 states: "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." How can God impacted our relationship? How does our relationship impact our marriage and relationships with others?

This is what I am wanting to write about tonight. I think it is very important. If we do not look at our marriage with God, how can we know how to appropriately care for our marriage if we have physical marriage with a husband or wife?

What is the marriage to look like?

In Genesis, marriage is the coming together as one. It is no longer him and her, rather it is them--together. Genesis 2:24 says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." Marriage is about submitting to one another. It is not about who is wrong or who is right, rather it is about submitting and giving yourselves to each other. 

What would a biblical husband look like? What would a biblical wife look like? What should we be like now while we are single?

Ephesians 5:24-33

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Let's talk about the husband's responsibilities according to this passage. He must lead his wife. He is to love his wife, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It is about following God's will, and nothing else! What a picture this would be. What would happen if men led like this? If I find a man like this, I don't think I would have a trouble with submitting. It is about caring for her and leading her closer to Christ. It is more than just submitting, but the leading in obedience with God's will.

In Titus, it also gives a fuller picture of what these husbands should possibly look like. They are to be self-tempered, worthy of respect, sound in faith, in love, and in endurance. (Titus 2:2) These go well with the characteristics of the Ephesians 5 husband. He is putting his family first showing them what it means to have faith, loving them abundantly, and choosing to devote himself to teach his children and wife, point them towards the Lord, and chooses to disciple them. In the New Living Translation, it states that the husband should live wisely. If husbands want respect, they need to live wisely choosing to give the best example for the family they are responsible for.

Also in Titus, it says more regarding men (relates to husbands too..): 

"Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us." (Titus 2:6-8) Setting an example is a big key. How you are in your family says alot about a person. How you lead your family is a big part of your example and the responsibility God has given you. Since the husband is seen the head, just as Christ is the head of the church, he will give an account to God for how he leads and takes care of his family.

What about the wives? What should wives look like? How do they influence the marriage? What should they bring to the table?

First off, they should be submissive as previously mentioned. I believe if my future husband would live wisely and lead the family as the godly leader God intended, I would not have a problem with being labeled as "submissive". 

What does Titus say that adds to the attributes of the Ephesians 5 woman? In Titus 2:3-5 says a lot about how we should be as women. We may be wives or may be still single. It still has a lot to say to us. We are to be reverent in the way we live, teaching what is good, urging younger women to love their husbands and children, be self controlled, pure, busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to our husbands. So, that no one will malign the word of God.

When we do not hold to these attributes, I think marriages are bound to fall apart. When we do not recognize the greater picture and begin to live biblically, it is easier to look at the world and see what is common. 50-80% of marriages end in divorce in America! Our actions are going to speak on behalf on God's word. When we fail to do what the Bible says, Titus 2:5 says that God's word is being dishonored. We are making a covenant with God and our spouses, and so often it is being dishonored because we are not taking His word or our marriages seriously!

Seriously..

Realizing that I am a singled one, I can begin to pray for my future marriage and husband and begin to desire and work toward these attributes of working at caring for my home, being kind, subjecting to those in authority positions  (as long as they are following God's will), teaching what is good, and choosing to live wisely! Just because it says the woman is to busy at home does not matter that is what she is restricted to---it means giving her marriage one of the first priorities as she seeks to do God's will!

Goal:

The goal of the marriage to be each other's helper and definitely grow each other closer to the Lord. This is the GOAL of marriage, guys! We are missing it. Instead of seeing it as a failure, we need to see it as the opportunity to grow in our marriages and relationships with others. 

How has God acted toward us?

In Hosea, we see what kind of marriage we were in with God before. We were prostituting ourselves, we were in serious debt, and God redeemed us. We can see this through Hosea 1-3. As the church, we are Christ's bride! We are his beautifully fallen bride that He continues to rescue. We have prostituted ourselves just as Gomor has in Hosea 1:2. We ran away from our Beloved, and needed Him to call us back (Think about on the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32). We have a debt that had to be paid, just as Gomer had a debt that must be paid to be free to go back to her husband. Jesus Christ came and paid our debt. When we were the most unlovable--- God freed us from sin, and welcomed us into a marriage! God still loves us even when we have fallen , and demonstrates this in Hosea's life: God instructed Hosea to buy back his wife Gomer for fifteen pieces of silver and five bushels of barley and a measure of wine. (Hosea 3:1-5)

What was the difference between before and after the redemption? It is our actions. We are changed. We aren't going to go back to our past and doing what we used to do. Our marriages are at stake, just as it was at stake for Gomer and Hosea. We are FREE! Our freedom had a great big price though. Our marriage is not to be taken lightly.

Question for you to ask yourselves:

What kind of marriage do we have with Christ? Remember in Isaiah, the Maker is our husband! (Isaiah 54:5)

How has our marriage with Christ influenced our earthly marriage and/or relationships with others?

1. http://www.restministries.org/invisibleillness/statistics.htm

2. http://divorcerate2011.com/divorce-statistics

3. Ephesians 5

4. Titus 2

5. Hosea 1-3

6. Luke 15:11-32

7. Isaiah 54:5

Sleep, Time, and the Good Shepherd

I haven't blogged that much lately. Mostly, because I have not slept much lately. I miss my sleep. Sleep is a precious thing that I miss dearly, but I keep being remembered of Ecc. 3 where time is so valuable and used for different things. There are times and seasons for things in our lives. Evidently, there is a time to sleep and a time not to sleep... Not that the writer meant that there is a time to sleep. Sleep is a necessary part of being human. Not getting sleep is sheer torture.

I have had that sleep is the body's way of healing itself. In some ways, I am sure the body does heal itself. I am a critic in many ways lately. Honestly, I think it is the lack of sleep... But I have always been a bit of a critic.

While I battle sleeplessness, muscle aches, and the pains that come from living with Fibromyalgia and not getting adequate sleep, God's presence is very real to me. Even now, God's presence is here and He is sustaining me. He is the One who holds me together, even when it should feel like I am falling apart.

In my Thursday class, we have been reading and rereading John 10 each week. Tonight, all I could think about is how Jesus Christ continues to be the good shepherd even amidst chaos and a busy life storm. Jesus may not remove the storm.

In John 17:15, Jesus' prayer is not that we are taken out of the world but that we would be sanctified through God's Word which is our truth. Jesus, my good shepherd, is many things to me especially when I am extremely fatigued and can't sleep. Tonight as I reflected on John 10, I wrote this:

He does not run away. At times of great struggles, everyone seems to be running away from it all. They want to get as far away from the situation as possible. While they are running from it, Jesus is already there walking ahead and with His children as we walk through fire. Jesus knows our struggle before it happened! Jesus did not leave or forsake us! Jesus is the One who brings peace amidst the storm. It is something to be endured.. Even in hard times, we (I) can still hear His voice even more clearly in the midst of the trial. He deeply cares and treads the deep waters with us.. And, He leads us to pastures..

Jesus may choose not to remove my Fibromyalgia from me, but it's all good as long as I have Him holding me tight. Even now, God is using me to be a light in a dark, hurting world of aches, pains, and frustration. This is a reality we have to endure, especially if we have chronic illnesses. It becomes our daily reality. Even though this kind of sets us apart from others, God is just using this as an opportunity to share Him and my faith with others. I can share what I am enduring and how I can know without a shadow of a doubt that God walks with me through this fire.

Isaiah 43:2 is my verse right now, as I continue to adjust and endure the new struggles that come my way. It is one we may not think of much unless we are in a rough uncomfortable place in our lives..

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." (Isaiah 43:2)

I think one lesson I am learning is... the promises of Christ and the Bible are eternal, but they also are sooo much more valuable when we experience them first hand. Life is hard. Time has a meaning for everything, but everything happens for a reason. We may think God's timing stinks, but it doesn't matter. His timing is perfect. We do not have to agree with what God does in our lives (because our opinion does not matter in comparison to God's). God knows what He is doing. When we take assure in this, our faith will grow leaps and bounds..

Relieving Stress

Stress relieving is supposed to be a part of the process of life wherever it may find you. If you are like me, you like to bake. Baking, as a stress reliever, doesn't necessarily mean eating all the goods yourself. Eating does not even figure into the equation for me. I just cook for the sake of cooking. And generally, that does mean consuming something so the food does not go bad.

Stress relievers have to be a part of my day if I want to have good days that are more enjoyable. On a rare occasion, stress relief is through writing homework assignments where I ramble on about what I feel I am being taught through various things. Maybe, it is writing about how God can use times of trials to gain me intimacy. Maybe, it is through this blog. Or, maybe the stress relief technique is doing something in a servitude like baking. I bake, and my family eats. This is the game I play. I bake, they eat. They are very good at their job, just like I am decent at my job of baking.

Today's stress relief is through baking a delicious German Chocolate Cake as I type this out..Journaling is another stress relief. I need to decompress when the pain is feeling in control (not now, because my pain pill is in full effect). I had another bout of insomnia last night, and missed church as a result. Of course! These things happen, but still I have got to destress. It is Sunday. I volunteer tomorrow. Today is my time of destressing, so I can begin my week on a good note.

The whole purpose is the necessity of having activities that keep you sane and worry-free. It can be music, cooking (not necessarily eating), taking a walk, watching a movie for the thousand time, or or simply writing.

Whatever avenue you choose---involve God in it! God wants to be a part of everything we are doing. It gives Him pleasure. It is not so much about the task, as it is a part of the intimacy of us and God---and realizing how important the intimacy is. It is also a big part of realizing that God is bigger than everything. He is bigger than our plans. He is bigger than our health concerns. He is bigger than our frets about finding a job. He is bigger than all of it!

God gives us a variety of avenues to contemplate and live for Him, where stress does not have to be part of our equation. God is not a god of disorder (which I associate with stress), but He is the God of Peace!

My Future: In His Hands

My body is frequently attacking itself. I have fibromyalgia, so that's just one of the things my body tends to do. It is very manageable except for I just go through moments where I hurt for a couple days then I can go on and do my normal routine again. Normally, it is only a once or twice a month type of routine of hurting for a couple days, not that it is all too predictable. I am lost in this world that I can't understand. Who am I? I have changed over the last few months. Realistically, it has not been a willingness to change, but a mandatory change brought to me by my body. Mostly the changes come from the change of how I feel, resulting in what I am able to do.

I can no longer be defined by what I do as I could easily have done before. Oh, I am the girl that does this and that... That is no longer how I can be defined, because *doing* is not something that is easily done these days. Doing things requires energy. Depending on the day will determine how well a task is accomplished. While I know there is a life worth living out there, I struggle with this idea of who am I.

I am a child of the Most High God! This has not changed.

Therefore, I know He has a task before me. While writing for a class, I found this concept crossing my mind. God put seminary on my heart before I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. God knew I was going to have this "thorn in my side". I am the girl who always has a plan, and this is uncharted territory for my anyway. What is next for me? I graduate in December, and I do not have a plan. My life has been a mess for the past couple months, but it is still moving forward even if I do not know what is next. Seminary is still weighing on my heart very heavily, but I do not hold the future. I do not know what is next, or what God is choosing to do next in my life.

I sit here, waiting, praying, and asking for God to guide me in the next step of my life in whatever direction God is planning on taking me. This verse kinda hit me while I was praying earlier which states it all.... Jeremiah 33:2-3 says: “This is what the Lord says—the Lord who made the earth, who formed and established it, whose name is the Lord: 3 Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."

I lack knowledge about many things.
This world and its craziness
Knowing how to live life right now
Oh yeah, and this little detail called the "future".

But, I know what Jeremiah 29:11 says:
God knows the plans He has for me...
Plans for my welfare, hope, and a future..
He is not out to get me.
He is not trying to derail me.
But, God has the best in store for me and my life. It does not have to look picture perfect. God has a will for my life. He knows exactly what He is doing, and His will will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. I just do not know what those plans are.

Hold Each Other Up

In Exodus 17:12, it says: "Eventually, Moses' hands felt heavy. So Aaron and Hur took a rock, put it under him, and he sat on it. Aaron held up one hand, and Hur held up the other. His hands remained steady until sunset."

So many of us are tired. It may be emotionally, physically, or spiritually, but I love this picture of us holding each other up physically and spiritually. We should be there for each other, because it is the picture of the global Church coming together as One--caring for one another which may mean holding one's arms up when they weak.

I see this scripture come to life in my own life, as I battle different things. As I battle the illness I face, I see the support of others and how it supports me as I win the battle against fibermyalgia.


Even when we get tired and could (and WANT to) give up, we need to have our friends right by our side to help us perservere and continue on. It may be through facebook or sitting with someone as they face trials. I am so thankful for my friends who support me and keep me going. One of my facebook group has been a God-send. It has kept me going when I may have given up. The people, there, inspire me. We are a family. It doesn't matter how far away we really are from each other in distance either. We help each other and "hold each other" up just like they did in the bible verse they mentioned. I have to share what happened from Moses' friends helping him hold his hands up (it was reaching up to praise God is what it symbolized..). There was a war going on, and their team won as a result of Moses AND his friends.... We too are HOLDING each other up and winning the war against Fibromyalgia and whatever else comes our way...

As I reflect on the passage, I want to ask:

How can I help support and hold another up? It may be through emotional or prayer support.. How can I be there for someone else to help them win the war they are facing, because we are all facing something?

This Battle

It has been a week since my diagnosed of Fibromyalgia, and it has not been an easy week per-say. I have had an ongoing struggle. People ask me how I am, and I battle the usual "okay" versus saying how I truly feel. But when people are asking as they walk away, how can you say "No, I am not okay." Or how do you say, "you know what, I am not doing so good today."

I do not think it has hit me yet. I think I am still waiting to wake up, and have it disappear. Since that does not look like it is going to happen anytime soon, I am doing what I can. I am researching. I am noticing how the symptoms of this illness progress. I am medicating myself through a nightly prescribed medicine and daily vitamins. I have regained some of my spiritual strength, and I am putting on my armor to fight this battle.

Fibromyalgia is like other battles we all face. Whether they are friendships in turmoil, temptations of our old self, and other trials and temptations. The trials keep us down for moments at a time, but we can choose how to fight. When we weak, it is easy to be overcome by life's adversities. This is what the adversary one wants. The devil wants to kick us while we are down. And at times, I am sure he does kick us while we are done. I know I have felt some of those very hard punches in the face lately.

In James 1:2, scripture reminds us that trials should be considered pure joy. Some days, I wonder how they can be considered joy. Some days, I think they are pure joy. It may mean that we must be doing really well spiritually if the devil finds us worth picking on. And on those other days, I do not have the strength to fight or think about the fight. On these particular days, I get punched extra good. These days mean I have not thought or prayed about a plan of attack. How will I handle this today?I need to have plans of attacks, if I plan on winning the battle. I need new methods of fighting.

On Sunday, I was reminded of the One who fights on my behalf. Jesus is winning the victory for me. I cannot give up, even on the days I want to. When I made weak, He is my strength. I become completely dependent on Him, and that is when His strength is more than enough.

In the Common English Bible, Philippians 4:13 is worded this way: " I can endure all these things through the power of the one who gives me strength." We can endure ALL these things through the Power of God. That kinda makes it hard to give up when we have that verse in mind, doesn't it?

As my weak arms and hands compose this blog, I know how easy it is to say "Well I hurt, and can't do this!" Do you have another option? We can either try to fight in our own strength and lose the battle, or we can trust in Him completely and let Him become our strength.. The choice to fight is more than a daily struggle. But it is also all we have. We are the only ones that can say "let's do this." Sometimes the ones fighting this battle is only us and Jesus, and no-one else. But, we can do this!

2 Corinthians 12:10 says, "Therefore, I’m all right with weaknesses, insults, disasters, harassments, and stressful situations for the sake of Christ, because when I’m weak, then I’m strong."

While I am not "all right" with my weakness, I choose to let God fight my battle for me. Prayer is the cornerstone for any battle. We would not go into a war-zone without armor. We need prayer to face this hidden battle. It is not so well hidden. We experience some kind of battle daily. Maybe, physical. Maybe, emotional. Maybe, spiritual. But we encounter battles daily, and we should greet them with prayer.

Here are some of the bible verses I have been wrestling with as I undergo this invisible, but very real battle....

Exodus 14:14
"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

Deuteronomy 1:30-31
"The LORD your God is going before you. He will fight for you just as he fought for you in Egypt while you watched, and as you saw him do in the desert. Throughout your entire journey, until you reached this very place, the LORD your God has carried you just as a parent carries a child."

Ephesians 6:10-13;18
"Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and his powerful strength. Put on God’s armor so that you can make a stand against the tricks of the devil. We aren’t fighting against human enemies but against rulers, authorities, forces of cosmic darkness, and spiritual powers of evil in the heavens."

Therefore pick up the full armor of God so that you can stand your ground on the evil day and after you have done everything possible to still stand.

Offer prayers and petitions in the Spirit all the time. Stay alert by hanging in there and praying for all believers."

Content in Weakness

I have been reflecting on 2 Corinthians 12 much more these days. I have been reading about Job, different verses on persecution, and various sufferings that other followers of Christ have endured. I have had the privilege to see Christians suffer, and you can see their faithfulness to their God. God is glorified through it all!

As I sat and waited, wondering what would happen at the doctor. I ponder the words found in 2 Corinthians 12:10, which said:

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“What would it mean to be content with this weakness?” Today, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My mysterious illness now has a name. My symptoms are no longer “just in my head”, but they are in some way validated and made more real through having a diagnosis with an actual name. They are the insults of my body. They are trials I must endure, whether I want to or not.

Being contented with this weakness, for me, means relying on Him. It does not mean not treating the illness with some modern day medicine (or attempting to treat this “weakness”), but it means for me to continue to let Him be my strength. We may face a variety of weaknesses, but who do we choose to determine our path of life? Is the priority the situation or Christ? It is choosing to act in such a way that puts Christ first, and casts aside how else we may want to react to the situations we encounter.

Without Him, I can do absolutely nothing. But with Him, I can do all things! God gives me the strength (Matt. 19:26). He continues to teach me through this muddy process of going from a busy maniac to a person who will one day know the value of rest.

I have walked this road of wondering for a while, and I firmly believe God does not give us more than we can handle. In the sense that God will equip us to do everything He gives us. God may bestow illness upon us, but it is for His glory—and His glory alone! We do not have to understand it, but we have to remember that “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion” (Philippians 1:6).